From Victim to Warrior, one step at a time

walking

If you’re like me, the idea of doing laundry doesn’t normally make you feel excited. But today is different.  For two months I’ve been unable to walk due to a broken ankle.  Now I’m finally working with physical therapy to practice walking.  Today for the first time in two months, I was able to use the crutch to go up and down the flight of 17 stairs to do laundry.  Granted the dryer is old so everything needs to be dried twice.  That’s three trips up AND down the stairs on a crutch for each load.  The surge of pride and feeling of usefulness is wonderful!

A Course in Miracles tells us you can change your mentality from that of a victim by simply making a decision. Say to yourself: I WANT to see this differently.  I could complain about my pain or inconvenience or frustration, all of which is very real  Because I live on a third floor walk-up, I’ve been “trapped” in my apartment for the last two months.

victim statusInstead I am focusing on what I CAN do, on what I have control over.  I CAN put 50% of my weight on my foot.  PROGRESS, not perfection!  I’m also gently reminding myself that I don’t need to be NEEDED to be VALUABLE.  That I can just BE.  And my usefulness to the Divine, and to my fellow men and women, is not determined by what I DO but by who I AM.

Albert Einstein said, “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”  This has been an opportunity for me to learn to ask for help and a chance for others to help me.  I’ve also developed a new appreciation for the ability to walk.   Slowly I’ve progressed from a knee scooter to a walker, from a cast to a boot.  Soon I will be able to walk my dog outside again (one of my favorite pasttimes), and this fills me with HOPE!  Emily Dickinson wrote:

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without the words –

And never stops – at all –

What are you hopeful for? What keeps you going?  What are you thankful for?

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Breaking to Become More Whole

xryaA month ago I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my ankle in three places. After the surgery implanted ten screws and a steel plate to keep my ankle together, I am still not allowed to bear weight on it.

I’ve been extremely uncomfortable, but surprisingly more so *emotionally* than physically. It’s not a secret to me that I’m a codependent caregiver who feels more at home giving than receiving. But I didn’t realize how much anxiety would be triggered by my inability to care for myself.

I’ve been sitting with my discomfort while others walk my dog, make my meals, wash my clothes, and buy my groceries. Maybe some would enjoy the relaxation, but this has been, for me, a searing lesson in allowing and balancing. I’ve been dialing in to Al-Anon meetings to remind me to surrender my ferocious grip on control.

I’m learning what the first linked article below points out, that “receiving with grace isn’t about taking,” but “offering someone else the joy of giving.”  Ernest Holmes said: “I am grateful for the blessings as a result of these conditions.” Just a slight twist on I Thess. 5:18 (“Give thanks in all circumstances”).

As the second article below points out, “the truth has a funny way of setting you free… faced with a sensation that was completely foreign and extremely uncomfortable to me—the idea that I was more vulnerable than I wanted to believe—I finally saw a glimmer of light.”

https://psychologies.co.uk/…/learn-to-accept-with-grace.html

http://tinybuddha.com/…/why-letting-yourself-feel-broken-i…/